I have thought long and hard about this topic, “Being fulfilled?”, What makes me fulfilled? There have been times in my life when I have been longing for something and I couldn’t even tell you if you asked me what it was, because I wasn’t fulfilled. I needed something and sometimes I didn’t know what it was or at least I couldn’t express it.
What I mean by this is, I felt so shut off I felt that I didn’t have the freedom to say what I wanted and needed. I didn’t feel like it would be heard or heeded. So I would hold in my feelings and let others needs supersede my own needs and then be pissed off. To a good degree this was my own fault. I wanted to please those around me, so I would take a backseat to others, yet I wanted to be heard and acknowledged.
Instead of standing my ground and insisting that I got my way at times, I would always concede and I mean always. Usually, it was to keep peace and to make my own life easier. This in turn made me a very angry person as well. So, I virtually became a ticking time bomb ready to explode on anyone. Everyone knew that I had tons of patience, but once you got me there I have a reputation for being DONE! Extra well done! It means you have stretched me to my ultimate limit and I have cracked. Then you get the manifestation of whatever that is and usually it isn’t good AT ALL!
Because I held so much junk in, it manifested in me becoming very unhealthy and sick most of my life. I had a lot of major, serious health problems which ended up being another problem with arms like an octopus. Not a good place to be!
So this left me feeling as though I needed something, but I had no idea what? I longed for something to fill me up, to fill a void, a gap. Those were times that if people had looked at me from the outside they would have certainly thought I had it all. They would have looked at the exterior and thought that I had it all. A happy marriage, successful businesses, plenty of money, a big, beautiful home, lovely clothes and designer high end goods, plenty of loving family and friends around me, any and everything at my disposal.
I was busy all the time, I oversaw several businesses, ran a non-profit, had lots of hobbies and could do anything I wanted and go anywhere I wanted. But yet, little did they know that I didn’t feel fulfilled. I longed for something else. And to top it off, I didn’t even know what I wanted or needed. I had everything, or so it seemed. But, I just felt sick and unhappy, even though it seemed like I was livin’ the life! It’s a crappy place to be and no one has empathy, pity or understanding because they look at you like you have it all.
In reality my former marriage was one that became more and more of convenience and held together primarily because of our businesses and the brand that we had built together. He was committed to a life of adultery and denial of it. I lived a life of looking the other way and humiliation that affected me in ways that I never spoke about to a soul.
So after 34 years of this and then finally going through a divorce, I had to finally face myself and ask myself what fulfilled me. There were no more reasons or excuses. No one to blame anymore except myself! What did I want? What did I need in my life? What truly made me happy and fulfilled?
I have lived in the projects of Erie, Pennsylvania where I was born and raised. And I have lived in mansions I built here in Southern California. I have had absolutely nothing and have had absolutely everything in my life. Most people believe that money and living the good life solves all your problems. Don’t get me wrong, having money is awesome and amazing and it makes life a hell of a lot easier in so many ways. But, it can’t make you feel fulfilled, not in the way you think anyways. I know this first hand. I had to find this fulfillment from within myself.
I have always been someone who didn’t mind being alone, I enjoy my own company. I know some people who wouldn’t think of going to eat by themselves or go to the movies alone. I know people that have to be surrounded with people all the time or they need someone to talk to constantly, that’s not me. I love to be social and be with others, but I don’t freak out if people aren’t around. I love time to myself. Time to be quiet, time to do things by myself.
Finally getting a divorce was a liberating experience for me. It opened up a whole new world for me and at times I admit that I felt a bit lost and on shaky ground. My kids were adults and living their own lives and I was on my own for the first time ever in my entire life. So, I had to relearn who I was so to speak. At least who I could now project to others and the world. Without the fear of rejection and the ridicule I had become accustomed to experiencing.
Some things were low key and subtle and other things were overt, but enough over time to squash my spirit. Now was my time to open up and be me, lead my own life and allow myself to be the free spirited woman that I hid from the world. Now I felt free to speak my mind and go for what made me happy and therefore fulfilled.
ALLOW MYSELF! ALLOW MYSELF to be me! What the hell? That is how indoctrinated we can ALLOW ourselves to become in certain situations. We conform to make others happy yet we ourselves aren’t. It’s ridiculous to live our lives like that and that is what I was doing for far too long and therefore I wasn’t fulfilled in so many ways.
First, facing it and coming to terms with it was huge, changing it was another thing! It didn’t happen over night and in fact I am still working on it. I do believe that no one can fulfill you, they can enhance your life or make your life a bag of shit. We decide who and what we let in and how we deal with people, relationships, circumstances, etc. We decide and decipher how things affect us, good, bad or indifferent. We don’t always get it right, I know I haven’t and don’t, but that is what makes life fascinating, sometimes our mistakes, too. Learning from them or chalking them up to a hard lesson learned.
I can only speak for myself and through much self examination I know that I NEED to be fulfilled, I don’t just desire it. I now know the difference in my life and I want more and better, I want the best! The best for me! Others can look and have NO understanding why I am happy, why I feel fulfilled. They may look at my life and think I am lacking in this area or that area or they may question certain decisions I have made. That’s fine, it’s not for their understanding of perception. All that’s important is me and how I feel. There is a Zedd & Kehlani song that I love called “Good Thing” she talks about being good on your own and enjoying life until someone or something comes along to change her mind. I relate to that. Ramon Vincent did that for me, most unexpectedly for sure. I wasn’t looking for a relationship let alone to fall in love. I was determined to never get married again, ever! But, he changed my mind! I changed and it was a natural thing and felt it good and right for me.
My husband Ramon enhances my life and it’s refreshing to have no restrictions placed on me, not even by ME! Experiencing life with someone with no boundaries other than what you have chosen to be committed to adhering to together, is a beautiful thing.
Things aren’t always perfect, but we both care about our end results together though, so we ultimately refer to this when things get rough. What do we want as our end result? To be fulfilled or to be the one that is right in a given situation? We had a major rough patch and I almost forgot what being fulfilled is for me. I had found myself ALLOWING my past to influence my feelings and emotions. I had to take some time away, alone to reflect and re-examine myself and what I wanted and needed. What made me fulfilled? It wasn’t being away from my husband, my soulmate and my best friend. So I had to rechallenge myself once again to commit to the happiness and fulfillment I want and deserve, despite adversity and yes, differences of opinions that sometimes can’t be overcome. What’s ultimately more important?
I do believe most human beings, want to be happy and fulfilled and yes, live a great life. So all I can say is that I encourage everyone to seek that for themselves, on your own terms and Get Fascinated Now with your life and be fulfilled!